I always wanna know how it feels to have a white Christmas in a romantic European country, with snow… Christmas lights and decoration.. Carols… *well I am not a Christian, but I always love the atmosphere*

When I got the chance to move to Europe, I was so happy that I will finally experience the white xmas thing. I was so excited, I made plans.. I made plans for me and my ex (he was still my bf at that time) to travel around in December. Supposedly, that’d be our 2 years anniversary too. I imagine that would be the most romantic thing ever.. bla bla bla..

But we broke up, as we know it. I grieved and gave up the plan. Never mentioned about it. But guess what, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. It was spontaneous and unplanned, suddenly a good friend is visiting Europe and i forgot how it ended up like this but we’ll meet up in Paris and gonna spend 3 days til Christmas Eve.

Ofcourse it’s not gonna be the same with the actual plan. But I guess it’s gonna be real fun, in a different way. Good friends, great landscapes.. we’re gonna do this whole trip in the most romantic place in the world in one of the most romantic times of the year in the friendzone, lol..we’ll have lotsa fun, good laughs always do the trick! ;)

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true” -Cinderella

“ I don’t know when, I don’t know how. But I know something’s starting right now. Watch and you’ll see, someday I’ll be. Part of your world …” Ariel, the Little Mermaid

“When will my life begin..?” Rapunzel, Tangled

“There must be more than this provincial life!” Belle, Beauty and the Beast

“The flower that blooms in adversity… is the most rare and beautiful of them all” The Emperor of China, Mulan.

“But you remember, Tiana, that old star can only take you part of the way. You got to help him with some hard work of your own. And then… Yeah, you can do anything you set you mind to. Just promise your Daddy one thing? That you’ll never, ever lose sign what is really important. Okay” James, the Princess and the Frog

Fairy tales. What did they teach me? Not that Pumpkin can be turned into golden carriage or that no matter how hopeless you are, a prince charming will come and kiss you a life.. if that’s what people get from fairy tale, that’s a pitty..

Walt Disney told me stories… about people,girls mostly, who want to make changes, who pursue their dreams no matter hard…to live see more of what life can offer, above the ocean, outside the province, outside the tower… to fight for what they believe.. to prove the world that they can (even to save the whole dynasty).

He told me stories that there’s always a way for us to make our dream come true…

I grasped those values and try to apply it to myself… now I have walked really far from where I started, a little girl who dreamt about and living overseas, gaining knowledge from the source I could only imagine before.. I am living that dream. If I didnt dream it, it is not possible that I am here right now.

But I am not quite there yet, I wanna make impact to other people’s lives too. I wanna be the change.

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
Walt Disney

My Bestie just forced me to apply the “Marx’s Dialectic Method” in texting to make me understand what she meant (refer to previous post, please)

And guest what, I just got invited for a trip to Annecy next week end, a beautiful small town in France with castles and everything.. cant wait!!!

is having a real deal going on… 7 Guys are after her from all over the world, Indonesians, Italian, French, Moroccan, Belgium. 1 of them is vice rector (soon to be) of a reputable university in Indonesia. Another one is a director of a giant Consulting company you must have heard before operating world wide and a minister (soon to be).

When I ask how the hell she deals with that and how did she get there in the first place (out of curiosity), she just said… “It’s Karl Marx’s Dialectic Methods..” Smart women are scary.

Hahahaha.. I still don’t get it, probably if I am back in the mood, I’ll try to seek for some more “wisdom” from her…

Now let’s ask again.. “who run the world?” —> in this case, my bestie does, haha

My friends from Junior high and Elementary school… Most of them are now married and have children. Wow. We hung out everyday, share same stories about school, laughter, we studied together… And we’re such in different places now.. I always thought that getting married and have babies were what I wanted…

the old me will say, “WTH, they’re happily married, with loving husband, cute kids, wonderful life, look at me, I am not even close!!” (I actually said that 2 years a go frustratedly to my housemates in Australia when I found out my friend already had 2 baby girls and moving to London with her family)

but the new me is saying, “well, people have different paths of life…”

Idk why, I am not obsessed anymore about my old dream, finding true love, getting married, living happily ever after..  “if it’ll come, it’ll come.. if no, than it’s not really bad either..”

I was a Charlotte, I am now in between Carrie and Miranda (no commitment, keep it all casual, go go career go,question everything about love and relationship), and who knows one day I’ll turn into a Samantha (I dont mind the sex appeal, but I cant see myself with her habits, please no)

ps: anjis, pede abis ya gue??!! muntah ga lo bacanya?

Women are often blamed for expressing frustration, sadness, or anger about something someone have done or said to her. That it’s just in her head, her false assumption, that she was dramatic.

when a woman cries because her man yells at her, it means she is too sensitive and a drama queen. When she finally has the courage to ask her man to treat her properly, it means she’s demanding.

I never yell, throw things, attempt to kill my self. The way I convey my feeling was within the category of normalcy and the case was reasonable, nevertheless, I still receive such labels. I believe I am not the only one who experience this kind of treatment. The image of women being crazy is socially constructed. No one should tell you that what you feel is not legitimate. I suggest to everyone out there to read this message.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling — that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation, and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid,” or “No one will ever want you,” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction — whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness — in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know from these comments that Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry,” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late :)”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?